I can write it down, but can’t let it go, or move on, just yet…

Sunday I was driving home from getting groceries.  I was just blocks from my house at a four-way stop.  They pull up in my husband’s car.  It’s about 11 am.  They have come from the direction of her house, which is on down the road from my house.  What used to be “our” house.  As he turns toward the highway and what I figure must be a brunch destination, he casually waves at me.  WAVES AT ME!

I was doing so well.  I had whole swaths of time when I didn’t think about him and how he disrespected me by moving on before finishing his relationship with me.  His wife.  Of 23 years. Of course I knew she was staying at his crappy apartment sometimes and now that her husband has moved out of their house, I knew he would spend time with her there.  I just didn’t want to be surprised so suddenly by the visual.  It’s like when I was looking at our phone records right after he left and realized he called her four times on my birthday.  The knife just twists and twists.  Every once in a while I get surprised by the blade plunging deeper and twisting more.

I took a real dive.  I have a five-step plan to help me out of these stumbles.  One is to take an Ativan.  Two is to deep breath.  Three is to call a friend until I actually get one on the phone to talk to, not give up.  Four is to walk or run.  Five is to go to the basement and primal scream.  I did one and two and sent him nasty texts for about an hour.  Then it was done.  I blocked his phone calls, texts, and emails.  That’s really just symbolic for me, as he rarely reaches out to me.  He’s too busy courting someone else’s wife.

I will get past it because I have to, but  I hate that way of getting past something.  It’s the hardest way.

So, I wrote it down.  Now I’m going to figure out a way to take the next steps and let it go and move on…


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