I’m panicked

0803-when-panic-attcks[1]We need to talk about funds for our daughter’s college in the fall.  Right now.  Immediately.  Tuition payments, I thought, start coming due in June.  He has been taking care of all that because, of course, he’s the only one who could do it right.

He asked me to meet him to talk about it.  I said ok.  We do need to figure it out.  I hate to talk to him at the house because the old dynamic takes over.  I hate to talk to him at his apartment because all I can do is envision her there playing house with him.

We decided to meet at a bar.  I said which one I liked and he agreed to go there, but now, I’m panicked.  This isn’t a social thing.  It’s not important that I like the venue.  I can’t think of another quiet place to talk near where we’ll both be at the end of the day tomorrow.

I also feel like maybe I shouldn’t let him know that I’m rethinking this meet up.  I want him to think I can face him and I am steadfast in my resolutions:  1)  If our daughter needs more money for college than we can squeeze out, especially since because of his actions we are supporting two households now, he can get a loan; and 2) I will not agree to a “friendly” divorce.  This is a classic fault situation and no one is looking after me, but me.  Even the kids.  They have their own lives.  He says he won’t deal with my lawyer.  He doesn’t like him.  I think to myself, “Fine.  He doesn’t like you either.  I can wait you out.  I’m not going anywhere or trying to start a life with someone else where being divorced will be key.”

But really, don’t know if I can be, or even seem to be, resolute.

The conversation could go VERY badly.  He says if I file for a fault divorce he can’t “make any promises” that he can pay for a lawyer and college, too.  I fell for this for several months.  It was along the lines of “Don’t tell ‘unreliable’ people that he’s seeing “X” (someone who works for him) because if he lost his job, he wouldn’t have ten years in, and I won’t get a piece of his pension.”

Sneaky.  Well played.  I fell for this too.

I told him to get a loan and he said he wasn’t sure he could on his own.  I don’t want to be tied to a loan with him, but he’s very persuasive.  He’s a lawyer and a narcissist.  It’s his thang.

So..to circle back…I’m panicked.  I have been feeling much better, stronger, and confident, lately, but I’m not sure I’m ready for this showdown.

What to do…I’ll let you know what happens…


One thought on “I’m panicked

  1. I think the best action for you is: tell him if he has anything to say he can talk to your lawyer.
    That way he does not influence you or trick you into something that is not convenient for you. After all he’s just looking out for his well-being not yours.


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