Maybe it’s time to think of a new last name. My “maiden name” (Jesus, how sexist is that?) is so yesterday. Literally. It’s ok, in fact I am proud to be a member of the clan, but it can be rhymed with many words, making it unclear on the phone, for example. There’s nothing like explaining your last name every time you have to utter it.
My married name is simple because it’s Anglicized. Made up, shortened, and culled of it’s likely overuse of consonants (Eastern Europeans) or vowels (Scandinavians). It’s not too short and not too long. It doesn’t get you first in line, or make you the last in line for good things, like birthday cake, or things you need a few minutes to wrap your head around, like immunizations. However, it is rapidly becoming yesterday also.
I’VE DECIDED THAT THE PERFECT LAST NAME IS…
Everybody loves bacon! Even people who don’t eat pork. It’s like coffee. Most people love the smell, even if they don’t like the taste. I love the smell AND taste of coffee AND bacon. I like and trust people who also love the smell and taste of coffee and bacon. They’re the people who got over it a long time ago that you have to kill a pig to derive sustenance and pleasure from bacon. Coffee may taste bitter at first, but it kicks your ass out the door in the morning. These are important truths in life.
So, when I go in for my divorce, I’m going to get a tasty side of last name from the court. Bacon. Linley Bacon. I may even go for the whole enchilada and change my first name to Coffee.
Ms. Coffee Bacon.
Everyone will assume I’m likeable before they even meet me. A barista named Rainn will ask me, “Were you born in the Pacific Northwest, too?” Retail associates and pop culture enthusiasts will glance at my signature and ask, “Are you related to Kevin Bacon?!”
“Yes,” I’ll whisper conspiratorially, “and only by two degrees.”
HOW COOL IS THAT?
Also, it won’t get you first in line, but it will get you second in line. No waiting like the Wilsons or the Zuckerbergs, It would suck to be a Zuckerberg, am I right?