I don’t like this shit anymore. It happened over night. It was like when I said I didn’t want any more kids after my first one and then just woke up about five years later and knew I had to have one more.
I’m tired of being separated. In limbo. Angry. I’m burned out. He hasn’t changed, but I have. I just want to move on, get on, not spend so much energy hating.
A plan started to crystalize and spill out of my mouth:
Phase 1. Concentrate on getting divorced for realsies. After the holidays, of course. After I visit my sick mom, too. Early February, latest.
Phase 2. Move in with my bf, whom I only see on the weekends due to our work schedules, and whom I pine for the other five days like my name is Juliette. We could wait, but why? We’re OLD. (Am I using “whom” correctly? I hate that word, but hate to know the rules and not follow them).
Phase 3. I’d sell my bed (or burn it like funeral pyre in the back yard); the two he has are better. Maybe my futon. He probably doesn’t have room. I can ditch ALL the cat-ruined living room furniture. What will I do with all my glass and glittery do-dads? Nestle them in between the pheasant conquest displays? The antiques? His dining set or mine? Not to mention all the stored items in my basement. He doesn’t have a basement. His kitchen is complete to overflowing. He’s been on his own for a long time. Will we keep my simple dishes or his with fish designs? My pots or his? Build more shelves and keep it all?
Phase 4. Turn the trip we’ve been fantasizing about to Iceland in the summer into a honeymoon. That way we will have known each other for a year and the trip will be very celebratory and meaningful.
Phase 5. There’s no room for visitors at his house, like my kids, for instance, especially if they get married and have families. Maybe we could make a project of making the dojo livable by turning it into a guest house — bedrooms, kitchenette, bathroom.
Later, after several deep breaths and lots of mental backpedalling, I said the trip to Iceland doesn’t have to be a honeymoon.
He said maybe I should just see where my emotions land after Phase 1. Get divorced for reasies.
Sure…sure. Rationality’s another way to go.