Not replaced…but replaced

My daughter is going to “dad’s” tonight.  That includes dad, girlfriend, and her three kids.  To my knowledge this is the first time.  She has resisted doing it in the past, and has made it very clear she does not wish to meet my bf.

I get it.

I respect it.

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I wonder if she feels like I do, that she’s validating her dad’s choices by going to his “home” (it’s his girlfriend’s home), and making nice with the woman and children he’s chosen to replace us with.  The woman whose children she used to babysit.

Yeah.

I know, I know…We’re not replaced.

But, we’re replaced.

That’s just how it feels.

Sometimes my daughter says hurtful things to me, like, people ask me if I’m upset that my parents are getting divorced.  I say, no, financial aid for college might get better.  She also talks about how much more guilt money she’s offered by both parents.

She did say, in her defense, that she tells people she’s not sad her parents are getting divorced because no one yells in the house anymore and her mother is happy now.

I clung onto that tossed-off sentence last night like it was a canteen of water in the desert.  Does that mean she clings to things I say and then forget I said?

I try HARD not to imagine some kind of hybrid family Christmas scene at their house.  But, I spent more money on Christmas this year, as a single income woman, than I did any year I was married with two incomes.  I wanted to ensure, and therefore “buy” the fact, that MY home is my kids’ home.  MY address has not changed.  Christmas HAS NOT CHANGED because their dad is living out his affair.

Of course, it just makes me anxious to think about paying all that money back, and I realize it was, and is, for me, not my children.  I want Christmas to stay the same.  I want traditions to stay the same.  I don’t want my daughter to have some fake, uncomfortable Christmas tonight without me, and with her dad’s new cast of characters.

Makes my face is hot and my eyes extra wet to contemplate, but you know what?  That doesn’t prevent me from

Moving on

 

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