I learned something in therapy today

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I didn’t like it.

It came roundabout to me in a discussion about my childhood.  It became quite apparent that my dad was selfish.  An only son of a mother who had several miscarriages, and then him, on Mother’s Day.  The makings of a narcissist.  A mild narcissist, in my view, as I have known two or three quite well by now.

Not like “-“, but the same tendencies.

Since he died a few years ago, I have felt guilty about being a bad daughter.  We weren’t very close, and I didn’t like what he was about very much.  Also, I was his youngest, and felt like he ran out of parenting juice for me.

This came up because I recalled a lot of things, including a memory from when I was about 6 – 7.  I was bothering my mother as she was trying to make dinner.  She told me to go bother my dad.  I got a book and asked him if he would read it to me.  He peered over his newspaper and said no.  I could read, couldn’t I?

That was over 40 years ago, but it is still one of the stories I tell when asked about my childhood.  There were a lot of things like that.  And judgment.

I tried so hard not to marry someone like him, and I didn’t, physically or culturally, but personality-wise, they were pretty darn close — quick to anger, judgment, stingy with the praise, better than me, and, well, just about everyone.  Entitled.  King.  I feel like I was tricked by “-“, though, because at first he idolized me and idealized me.   Then the devalue and discard phases of the classic narcissistic relationship came.

I have really softened toward my dad.  I can forgive him.  I hope he forgave me.  He was living his life the best he could with what he had.  Me too.

Can I do that with “-” someday?

I really don’t know.

Moving on

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