since you told me you have breast cancer.
Your usually goofy Snapchat was a picture of your cat socks. Not your face. No flower crown. No dog ears.
I had just sent you a picture of me — with a thinly veiled sentence fishing for praise.
You told me I looked great and that you had just shaved your head and couldn’t show it to anyone just yet.
I told you I had always admired Sinead O’Connor’s bold, bald head. I told you it would show off all your interesting earrings.
You said you liked that. (Thank god!) You told me you loved me from 1,500 miles away.
I send you cards. And all the cat-related shit I can find.
But I feel pathetic.
So pathetic that I want to do something dramatic. I want to hurt because you’re hurting. We used to weather stuff together — physically together, not digitally together.
I think maybe I’ll shave my head. For some reason I consult the interweb first. People who have/have had breast cancer DO NOT, as a whole, seem to like or appreciate this. It’s an attention-getting ploy, they say. A gesture with no meaning, unless you CUT your hair and donate it to kids with cancer. There are better ways to show support.
I get it. After I read it. It’s not helpful to you and other cancer fighters.
But, unfortunately, that’s not the point. The urge to shave my head is not for you. It’s not to support you. It’s to sooth my pain. Like a tattoo for some people. Or a silent, breath-holding cut in the middle of the night for others. My pain giving a shout out to your pain. To help me deal with you and cancer.
Is that sick? Does anyone talk about this or feel like this?
I don’t know how to play this role and I hate it. It’s the wrong light for me. I wish to god we could both just stomp off stage.
I don’t like what it’s doing to you.
I for sure don’t like what it’s doing to me or how it’s shining a spotlight on all my inadequacies.
I don’t ever want you to know that while I’m try to help you, I’m searching for a way to help me. I’m not up to this, but what I’m doing is all I’ve got. Thank goodness you have a billion other friends who want to help you as well. You deserve so much.