Wow…

moonI feel like I was abroad.

On the moon.

I don’t even remember some of these posts, but I like ’em.

More later.

I missed you, my people of Earth.

 

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Okay, new topic.

I had an energy healing session yesterday.

I thought it might be like a “reading,” with auras, and questions like, “Where does the Q name come in?”  Don’t get me wrong; I love me an insightful reading.  I told her I have a lot of autoimmune issues.  She said she could sense that about me.

It turned out to be so much new, interesting information, that I’m practically speechless.  As she asked a little bit about why I was there, what I wanted to accomplish, I, for the first time, regarded my life through a certain filter.

That filter was fear.

th1BI6FWERI was surprised I said that.  I grew up in a small town in the middle of the US, went west after college, then east for more college, and lots of other places.  Sometimes alone.  I never thought of myself as fearful in light of the challenges that presented — new cities, new customs, new people, new jobs, new schools…

But, I started kindergarten in that small town where my family and I had just moved.  All the kids seemed to be friends — and largely related.

I remember thinking when I received a sort of an icy reception, that I had to ditch myself, no offense, and do what I had to do to fit in.

This worked pretty well as time went on.  On the outside.  I had friends.  I got good grades.  I was a cheerleader eventually, played in the band, sang in the auditioned choir, had many suitors, and even gave a speech at my graduation.

I married someone I thought I could sit back and watch manage control things for us.  He was VERY good at that, in a VERY bad way.  As you know, if you’ve been here before.

When that all fell apart, all the other issues I put aside, from 6-years-old on, have come back for a second chance.  Not all at once.  More at the pace of a smoothly running deli line.

After hiding my true feelings all those years, and wearing different masks for different people and situations, the energy healer and I agreed that I now had a mess of physical manifestations on my hands — psoriasis, IBS-C, migraines, reproductive problems, weight management issues, low self-esteem, recurring depression (beginning at 9), a crazy sister (sorry sis), an estranged brother (sorry bro), super religious parents who didn’t really know me (not their fault), anger management issues, and on and on.  She told me our cells “remember” how to be liver cells, or brain cells, but they also remember our emotional paths and behave accordingly.  I think.  The phrase “quantum mechanics” was used.  At least quantum something.  It was a lot to take in.  I looked some of the stuff I couldn’t remember up on line.  It’s there.  Where have I been?

The actual healing session was shorter than planned because we talked so long.

All my body did was lie there, but my internal experience was that I was having some creative, exciting ideas, and some new insights.

She asked me a few questions.  She jostled a few body parts around.  She told me a few things my body was saying to her.  She gave me her card.  I paid her, we hugged, she told me I did great work today, and to email or text her with any questions.  I went back to my unfulfilling work.  Another issue.

I was jazzed for a couple of hours after that.  I felt better.

I am hopeful that this tool, like talk therapy, and tai chi, could really help me decide that I’m okay.   I could be myself.  My authentic self, is the buzz phrase.  I’m so trendy.  But, who the F am I?

Turns out, a pretty scared 6-year-old, who is trying to manage my grown up world from under the bed.

I’m trying to help her take steps to grow up.  I’m  here.  I can strive to be helpful.

Because ditching yourself is more than offensive, it’s dishonoring.  It depletes the faith you should have in yourself.

I can do better than that now.

 

 

 

 

I’m back. I think. I’m back, right?

cat under dresserYes, a little, at least.

I still have the numb tongue, but it’s getting less and less, and wears off during the day.

I can get out the door in the morning.

I can navigate my new, weird boss.  That only took 4 months ; – )

Sunshine and flowers make me happy.  SOMETHING lifts my BCI.  Is that what I called it?  Check up with the Prozac pusher (and I mean that in the most respectful way) next Wednesday.

Whew…I don’t want to jump the gun, here, but…

I think I’m back.

Just breathe

imagesag83c7v9

I forgot about the time difference.  It’s one hour earlier there, and she’s fine.

At least, fine in the sense that they got everything they wanted, except one spot they will have to investigate further, and she’s eating Jell-o and talking to her family.

Not fine in the sense that she just had major surgery, and the pain will start to creep in, and she’s still got f-ing cancer.

I don’t want her to suffer, but I don’t want that to mean that she leaves me too soon.

Selfish.  I know.

I’m trying to take deep breaths. This is not (mainly) about me.

I’m into Anna Nalick’s song “Breathe (2 AM)” for lots of reasons.

One of them is for the opportunity to sing along with her about remembering to breathe.

Some of the other lyrics I’m thinking about now are:
“If I get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to.  And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and I know that you’ll use them however you want to.”

OK.  Full moon be gone.  Friday the 13th be gone.  Cancer be gone.  And it was said, and it was so.

 

I’m ditching this horoscope source, unless it turns out to be accurate, then I’ll just be its frightened slave…

“Love Forecast for the Week of January 9
Your love life might be quite emotional this week — and not in a happy way.
A stressed out Full Moon on Thursday in your romance sector threatens your heart strings — or wakes them up. It’s possible that you’ll come to the uncomfortable realization that the person you’re with simply is unable to meet your emotional needs.”

Isn’t this a lot of shit to process on only the 9th day of the year?!  Where are the upbeat, hopeful platitudes for a new beginning?  We got stuff blowing up right out of the gate?   

I hope it’s not true, but if it turns out to be true, I will be a loyal reader, and just have to know, that with all that goes on in the world, someone’s got to have a shitty horoscope.  I guess that might be me this week.  thodj458lvI’ll keep you posted.  If my bf had a mustache like this guy, I wouldn’t be so heartbroken, but to each his or her own.