Rumination – We meet again you heartless bitch

Does he really love her?  Does she really love him?  Do they even know each other’s middle names?  Where were they when I drove by their house this morning?  It was quiet with no lights; did they both go on his business trip?  Was it the one to San Francisco?  The one I was promised and dreamed of?  Do they fight?  Does he swear at her in front of her kids?  Do her kids like him?  Will my kids visit him at her, “their,” house for Thanksgiving?  Why doesn’t my happy life help push these thoughts from my head?  Why do they win?  Why am I a bit player in their lives instead of the STAR of my own?  Why me?  Why do I have to go through this?  Why am I still asking these questions this far along?  What’s wrong with me?

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Really Gandhi?  Now it’s my fault?  Blame the victim?  Or is it really my fault?  Why am I doing this to myself? Why is this so hard?

I’m so tired.  Fighting the good fight blows.

Ok, I don’t give them permission to hurt me…

Now I’m a LIAR too!

Gotta go to work.

Moving on

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And…I’m suddenly over it

The day after my daughter posted her daddy’s picture on Facebook and I was so upset, I’m suddenly over it.  Was it because of help from my buddy Ativan or help from my buddy Time?

I hate Time, btw.  So arrogant.  So stoic and regulated.  So all, “ruler of the universe, ” going around healing shit whenever it’s damn good and ready.

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FUCK YOU TIME!

…and thanks for taking the pain away so quickly…

Moving on

Bad mom, bad person – confessions

Will this be good for my soul, or damaging?  Maybe not today, but someday, when this blog gets read by people I talk about.  I’m trying so hard to not be bad, that when I confessed to myself that I am, it was such a relief, and a wayth1H85ALWU to cope at the moment.

You may have read here, or known, that my X is going to my daughter’s college parents’ weekend and toting his girlfriend along, despite my daughter’s request that he not.

Then she called me and whined a little about it, and when I asked how this is happening if she said no, she said she wouldn’t discuss it with me anymore.

So, I’ve been desperately trying to mind my own business, concentrate on the good things in my life, let go of trying to control my daughter’s relationship with her father, but, that is only masking the filthy darkness that flowed down the shower drain in tears this morning (spoiler alert – stop reading if you want to maintain a good image of me, if you have one):

  • I hope the reservation I made to go to parents’ weekend, that I gave to X because he hadn’t made one, and my daughter didn’t want to deal with us both being there, is denied them because it was paid for with my credit card;
  • I hope they can’t find any accommodations (which I hear is typical in that small town and area) and causes strife between X and his 38-year-old girlfriend with three of her own kids she left behind to visit my kid;
  • I hope my daughter freaks out.  I can’t help it; I do.  She hasn’t talked to my X’s girlfriend since she babysat her kids approximately eight years ago, when her dad was married to me.  That has to be awkward, but hey, they’re all asking for it;
  • I hope they don’t do all the things they have planned to do because my daughter pulls out of them.  They’re all things her dad wants to do anyway that she does not;
  • I hope someone calls the girlfriend Mrs. [my last name].  After all, they expect my daughter’s parents;
  • I hope my X tries to call me for the first time in over a month for me to give permission for he and his mistress to use the room I booked and paid for and I ignore the call;
  • I hope he has to resort to asking our daughter to call me, so that maybe I’ll pick up, and I won’t answer her call either;
  • I hope she calls all upset about her choice to appease her dad, and how awful it is, and I don’t answer;
  • I hope she resorts to calling her big brother and then he tries to call me and can’t reach me;
  • I hope X wishes he hadn’t treated me badly;
  • I hope he wishes he had waited to leave until after our daughter graduated from high school, was the star of award ceremonies, went to prom — all the milestones, and moved right after to live in another town before college;
  • I hope she understands that a mistress is no substitute for her mother;
  • I hope they all cry like I did this morning in the shower.

It’s been nice knowing ya…

I’m very busy being happy, however, this happened:

I’m very busy being happy, however, this happened:

My x “-” is going to my daughter’s parents’ weekend at college this weekend.  Even though he asked my daughter, and she said, “No, please don’t,” he is bringing his girlfriend along.  Last night I asked my daughter how that happened and I got a crisp, “I’m not going to discuss this with you.”

Hmmm.  Straight from the therapist’s mouth?  Or her dad’s?  Or her own?

What a selfish prick her dad is.  He also said he wanted to see a women’s hockey game because her college is known for it.  She said she doesn’t know anyone on the team and it’s, you know, a sport!  (Theater, singing, band.  Those are her things.)  They’re going anyway.

I got that overwhelming mama bear feeling.  But, she’s too interested in pleasing her daddy to put her foot down about anything, and he’s too much of an asshole to not ask her to do things for his own selfish satisfaction.  Also, it’s a see?  Everything is fine.  I live my life, visit my daughter on parents’ weekend as I usually would, and the new woman I love is okay with it, my daughter’s okay with it, my son and ex-wife will come around.  Everyone’s ok.  You’ll all see.  It’s all legit.

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And, what’s wrong with the girlfriend?  She’s got three school-aged kids of her own.  Where’s her judgment?  Is she going to bribe my daughter to like her with a lollipop?  Does she have her own daddy issues?  Does she think she’s pleasing “-” by going to his daughter’s parents weekend?  SHE’S NOT HER PARENT.  Maybe she has a need for things to be legit, too.

So…what happened is…I spent the evening trying to get it out of my head…nothing I can do…they’re both adults (dad and daughter)…they have a relationship I’m not a part of (although SHE was venting to ME about “-” bringing his 38-year-old subordinate at work turned girlfriend)…I have a new relationship that I’m thrilled with…move on, me!

And then, I spent the night participating in nightmares, and right before I woke up, I cut “-‘s” face with a knife.  Yes.  I did.  That’s how I really feel about all his stupid shit.

Since the sun is shining again, I’m back to trying to live in the present, not trying to micromanage people who say they don’t want to be micromanaged but then call their mothers for sympathy, and getting on with my own life.

I hope tonight in my dreams I don’t actually kill him.  That would be a messy situation.  For me.  Take that you arrogant narcissist.  She sees you.  We all see you.  You’re not legit.

you…You…YOU…OUGHTA KNO-OW

I HATE seeing my ex’s name come up on my phone.  ESPECIALLY at work when I’m trying hard to be productive.  (Unlike now, when I’m writing tomorrow’s blog at work.)  He’s given up on trying to be cordial to me by letting me know when he’s shifting money around, etc., but sometimes our daughter disseminates important news by texting both of us at the same time.

I get it.  I just don’t like it.

I changed his name on my phone at first to “Mr. Duplicity.”  A little shout out to Alanis Morissette.  It gave me some wicked pleasure, but it still wasn’t satisfyingly right, and it was disruptive in a different way.

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I tried “Cheater.” “Asshole.”  The usual.  Does anyone else do this?

Got a text back from him to my daughter and me for the first time in over a month.

Yes, I affirmed,  “-” was the perfect symbol for him.  There’s no personality to it.  There’s no emotion associated with it.  I don’t “know” it.  In fact, it reminds me of the dash on gravestones between the person’s birth and death.  His name is on the gravestone and the dash there, like the spouse who was unlucky enough to die last.  I’m just waiting to chisel in that end date.

Harsh?

I would feel guilty about it, but  that’s not something I do much anymore.

Moving on

Lemonade-less Day 3 (There’s only a possibility of 5)

Oh he’s a charmer.  It’s coming along nicely.  No mention about how it was supposed to be done last Friday, or 12 or so Fridays before, but it will be done this Thursday or Friday.  I’ll just keep dreaming of my gem stones…

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It might be on the high end of the estimate now.  The making the garnets and diamond work, oh, and the band turns out to be 14 carat white gold instead of 10.  He ordered the 14 because it could get here sooner.  Sooner than when? Not the day it was promised, in writing on the invoice, 6/20.  It’s September 2 if you’re not keeping track.

NOW LISTEN UP…I WILL HAVE THAT RING BY FRIDAY…OR YOU WILL BE ABLE TO HEAR A STRAW HIT A CAMEL’S BACK WITH GLOBAL DEAFENING VENGEANCE.  YOU’LL LOOK TO THE SKY, AND YES, THAT WILL HAVE BEEN MY PATIENCE, FINALLY SHATTERED.