Friday the 13th is my favorite…

I’m a superstitious person.  I’m generally fearful and negative at the core.  Therefore, it’s probably a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing, or a matter of perspective.  I HATE it when people insist on being positive in the face of obvious negativity.  Not everything is positive.  If you’re a glass-half-empty person, you just are.  What you do with that is something different.  Something you can change.  And I agree, it’s better to be positive when navigating life.  I’ve tried very hard to turn that around, but Friday the 13th always gives me pause.

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Hopefully I will have a nice day and I will be proven wrong.  I have nice things planned, so…

Let’s see what happens!

Moving timidly on…

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Shocker…to no one but him

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A co-worker of mine, but mostly friend, came to my desk about 9:15 after I came in from a doctor’s appointment last Thursday, and said she heard my X “-” was asked to resign. He is a commissioner of a department in our state government.  He is only in year two or three of a six-year term.

She heard it at Zumba.

Why?  Did someone tell on him?  Do they finally know he’s been seeing one of his employees, living with her, in fact, and her three school-aged children?  Do they know they succumbed to their passion for each other on a departmental trip?  Is that it, or something else?

The Zumba mole said the rumors were that he and his girlfriend went on an unauthorized “business” trip together.  Apparently it’s scandalous over there.  The gf stopped working for him a month or two ago and got a position at a place where they met originally, about eight years ago.

There was a cryptic article in an obscure online news source that detailed how “-” and his lawyer came to see the governor, had a meeting, then the lawyer “whisked” “-” away.  Hmmm…very crime drama-ish.  Since I made such a point of not hearing about his life, I don’t know anything concrete about this, just the rumor.

Then my boss heard similar gossip at something he attended.

I finally emailed “-” and said I couldn’t sign a pending home equity loan modification because of the rumors that he had lost his job.  He wrote back that wile he wouldn’t “respond to rumors…” it was a fact that the governor accepted his resignation.

Well, that’s one way to spin it, I guess.

I AM ELATED THAT THE FUCKER APPARENTLY WAS ASKED TO RESIGN.  THE REASON IS OF NO IMPORT TO ME.

I AM SCARED SHITLESS THAT MY X APPARENTLY HAS NO JOB TO PROVIDE INCOME FOR OUR JOINT PROPERTY AND TUITION FOR OUR COLLEGE-AGED DAUGHTER.

He had asked me to keep it quite when he told me about his girlfriend last March.  He said if people found out, he could lose his job.  If he lost his job, there would be no vestment of his retirement money (vesting was scheduled for 4/16, of which I would get at least half as a parting gift) and our family would lose his income.

Don’t you see how it was really ALL up to me?  No? Me neither.

Oh, and I’m also not supposed to tell our daughter that he’s lost his job until he can tell her in person over Thanksgiving break.  Again, my secret to keep or fuck up.  He knows she has friends with parents who know him and might ask her about it, right?

And all of this isn’t “tawdry.”  He is “just living his life.”

The silver lining:  He has finally agreed to reach out to my lawyer (who he refused to deal with all this time because he didn’t like him) with a divorce settlement proposal he drafted over the summer, but had not shared, because I was “not ready to receive it.”  Gag.  The untamed judgmentalist.

There are other juicy details, and near-emergency issues, but that’s the gist.

To “-“:

Te he, thinking with your dick lost you your family and your prestigious job.  But now, motherfucker, go get another job asap; you have responsibilities.

Moving on

Mental Midget

Tired marathon runner[1]

I’m so tired by all the frustrating and moon-induced? bull shit  (I like horse shit better), I can’t even detail why.  I have a mouNTain of things to do and what I mostly did was rearrange my furniture layout and shop online.  Neither thing was productive or helpful.  It’s sounding a little like depression to me.  Crap…

I see both my therapist and my general doctor this week.  I hope that proves helpful.

And…I’m suddenly over it

The day after my daughter posted her daddy’s picture on Facebook and I was so upset, I’m suddenly over it.  Was it because of help from my buddy Ativan or help from my buddy Time?

I hate Time, btw.  So arrogant.  So stoic and regulated.  So all, “ruler of the universe, ” going around healing shit whenever it’s damn good and ready.

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FUCK YOU TIME!

…and thanks for taking the pain away so quickly…

Moving on

Better Coping Through Chemicals

thWRJTVX1EMy daughter changed her Facebook cover photo to a picture of her cuddling up on her daddy during a hike this past parents’ weekend at college.  The girlfriend must have taken the picture.  I haven’t talked to my daughter yet.  Obviously, as I mistakenly thought might happen, she was not upset, didn’t need to call or text me, and I am still under instructions to not interact with her on Facebook, or friend any of her friends, or “like” any of their or her posts, but dad is now front and center —  Mr. Do-You-Know-Who-I-Am?  I-Can’t-Have-A-Presence-On-The-Internet.

Oh the plight of the unsung custodial mom, the “nice” parent, the one you take advantage of and manipulate. The one who gets taken for granted.

So, the plan to put a pause my maintenance drugs in the hope of stronger sexual desire shit the bed after just a couple of days.  This morning I made a little salad of a multivitamin, a Prozac, and an Ativan.  Yummy!  Better coping through chemicals.

Moving on

I’m very busy being happy, however, this happened:

I’m very busy being happy, however, this happened:

My x “-” is going to my daughter’s parents’ weekend at college this weekend.  Even though he asked my daughter, and she said, “No, please don’t,” he is bringing his girlfriend along.  Last night I asked my daughter how that happened and I got a crisp, “I’m not going to discuss this with you.”

Hmmm.  Straight from the therapist’s mouth?  Or her dad’s?  Or her own?

What a selfish prick her dad is.  He also said he wanted to see a women’s hockey game because her college is known for it.  She said she doesn’t know anyone on the team and it’s, you know, a sport!  (Theater, singing, band.  Those are her things.)  They’re going anyway.

I got that overwhelming mama bear feeling.  But, she’s too interested in pleasing her daddy to put her foot down about anything, and he’s too much of an asshole to not ask her to do things for his own selfish satisfaction.  Also, it’s a see?  Everything is fine.  I live my life, visit my daughter on parents’ weekend as I usually would, and the new woman I love is okay with it, my daughter’s okay with it, my son and ex-wife will come around.  Everyone’s ok.  You’ll all see.  It’s all legit.

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And, what’s wrong with the girlfriend?  She’s got three school-aged kids of her own.  Where’s her judgment?  Is she going to bribe my daughter to like her with a lollipop?  Does she have her own daddy issues?  Does she think she’s pleasing “-” by going to his daughter’s parents weekend?  SHE’S NOT HER PARENT.  Maybe she has a need for things to be legit, too.

So…what happened is…I spent the evening trying to get it out of my head…nothing I can do…they’re both adults (dad and daughter)…they have a relationship I’m not a part of (although SHE was venting to ME about “-” bringing his 38-year-old subordinate at work turned girlfriend)…I have a new relationship that I’m thrilled with…move on, me!

And then, I spent the night participating in nightmares, and right before I woke up, I cut “-‘s” face with a knife.  Yes.  I did.  That’s how I really feel about all his stupid shit.

Since the sun is shining again, I’m back to trying to live in the present, not trying to micromanage people who say they don’t want to be micromanaged but then call their mothers for sympathy, and getting on with my own life.

I hope tonight in my dreams I don’t actually kill him.  That would be a messy situation.  For me.  Take that you arrogant narcissist.  She sees you.  We all see you.  You’re not legit.

Two (jillion) things on my mind

  1.  Today might be really shitty at work.  I have learned from the past, however, that sometimes when I obsess and lose sleep anticipating a stressful day at work, it turns out fine.  Then there are the days that smack you on the butt and chuckle evilly because they know they caught you off guard.  No wonder my daughter has anxiety issues.

rumination

Note to self:

  • Don’t dwell on the past
  • Don’t borrow trouble from the future

2.  This weekend is a meet the co-workers barbecue at H’s house.  It’s not that I’m not good at these things. It’s that I’m expert at putting forth a plastic, alcohol-wiped version of myself.  Why is it so hard to be “real?”  What am I afraid of?  Offending someone.  Drinking too much.  Embarrassing my new SO.

I’ll  let you know how these things unfold.  I hope I can keep the made-up evil future at bay, and that I can report that I was “myself,” offensive, drunk, embarrassing, or surprisingly not labeled at all.  Maybe I can be myself in a situation that hasn’t happened yet, and needs no rumination about it.  Maybe it will be…FUN?  SUCCESSFUL?

Let’s talk about rumination…

JK…my work day awaits.  Good luck to you guys.  Let’s go do this!

Moving on