Sins of omission and big girl empty nest panties

I am seeing a bit of a roller coaster ride with my emotions.  I blamed the full moon at first, but think it is probably this:

I stopped taking my anti-depressant so I could drum up more sexual desire, having a new bf and all.  That includes more wine consumption in my case as well.  I have not told my doctor, and don’t want to, because last time I suggested kicking it, she said that’s the mistake everyone makes — You feel better because you are on it, not because things are getting better.

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  1. I do have more sexual desire
  2. I will put on my big girl empty nest panties and discuss it with my doctor in early November at my appointment

October promises to be a satisfying month, but probably with some emotional ups and downs.  November’s a good compromise, I think.

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Rain Shower (a 30-second poem)

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Rain

shower

dreary, dark, shocking

drips on unaccustomed body

parts, that dulls the light I’m so

desperately trying to bathe

in, and I hope the foreshadowing of

murky times is false, and then I

realize, there would be no

shadows to foretell in a

rain

shower

#

Are there?  It’s actually kind of pretty and cozy.  Moving on

I’m very busy being happy, however, this happened:

I’m very busy being happy, however, this happened:

My x “-” is going to my daughter’s parents’ weekend at college this weekend.  Even though he asked my daughter, and she said, “No, please don’t,” he is bringing his girlfriend along.  Last night I asked my daughter how that happened and I got a crisp, “I’m not going to discuss this with you.”

Hmmm.  Straight from the therapist’s mouth?  Or her dad’s?  Or her own?

What a selfish prick her dad is.  He also said he wanted to see a women’s hockey game because her college is known for it.  She said she doesn’t know anyone on the team and it’s, you know, a sport!  (Theater, singing, band.  Those are her things.)  They’re going anyway.

I got that overwhelming mama bear feeling.  But, she’s too interested in pleasing her daddy to put her foot down about anything, and he’s too much of an asshole to not ask her to do things for his own selfish satisfaction.  Also, it’s a see?  Everything is fine.  I live my life, visit my daughter on parents’ weekend as I usually would, and the new woman I love is okay with it, my daughter’s okay with it, my son and ex-wife will come around.  Everyone’s ok.  You’ll all see.  It’s all legit.

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And, what’s wrong with the girlfriend?  She’s got three school-aged kids of her own.  Where’s her judgment?  Is she going to bribe my daughter to like her with a lollipop?  Does she have her own daddy issues?  Does she think she’s pleasing “-” by going to his daughter’s parents weekend?  SHE’S NOT HER PARENT.  Maybe she has a need for things to be legit, too.

So…what happened is…I spent the evening trying to get it out of my head…nothing I can do…they’re both adults (dad and daughter)…they have a relationship I’m not a part of (although SHE was venting to ME about “-” bringing his 38-year-old subordinate at work turned girlfriend)…I have a new relationship that I’m thrilled with…move on, me!

And then, I spent the night participating in nightmares, and right before I woke up, I cut “-‘s” face with a knife.  Yes.  I did.  That’s how I really feel about all his stupid shit.

Since the sun is shining again, I’m back to trying to live in the present, not trying to micromanage people who say they don’t want to be micromanaged but then call their mothers for sympathy, and getting on with my own life.

I hope tonight in my dreams I don’t actually kill him.  That would be a messy situation.  For me.  Take that you arrogant narcissist.  She sees you.  We all see you.  You’re not legit.

Two (jillion) things on my mind

  1.  Today might be really shitty at work.  I have learned from the past, however, that sometimes when I obsess and lose sleep anticipating a stressful day at work, it turns out fine.  Then there are the days that smack you on the butt and chuckle evilly because they know they caught you off guard.  No wonder my daughter has anxiety issues.

rumination

Note to self:

  • Don’t dwell on the past
  • Don’t borrow trouble from the future

2.  This weekend is a meet the co-workers barbecue at H’s house.  It’s not that I’m not good at these things. It’s that I’m expert at putting forth a plastic, alcohol-wiped version of myself.  Why is it so hard to be “real?”  What am I afraid of?  Offending someone.  Drinking too much.  Embarrassing my new SO.

I’ll  let you know how these things unfold.  I hope I can keep the made-up evil future at bay, and that I can report that I was “myself,” offensive, drunk, embarrassing, or surprisingly not labeled at all.  Maybe I can be myself in a situation that hasn’t happened yet, and needs no rumination about it.  Maybe it will be…FUN?  SUCCESSFUL?

Let’s talk about rumination…

JK…my work day awaits.  Good luck to you guys.  Let’s go do this!

Moving on

Is this it? Part II

I feel the same today – into the 7th month – as I did on 4/29. Once again, plans and dramas, albeit good ones, have set a pace and just recently slowed down. Is this is? Maybe it’s a wave thing…tsunami, aftershock, smooth as glass water, and on and on. Rolling waves sound nice. Is that enough to make me happy now?

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write it down let it go

I’ve been on this roller coaster for a month and a half.  I have lived through many belly flips and hairpin turns.  Now I seem to be on a flat stretch.  Nothing is happening and that’s new.   Even bad drama is drama and I think I was addicted to it.  Now what?  Do I create good drama?  I can’t fill my whole life with kids and work.  I don’t even want to look ahead.  Is there another steep climb?  A gut wrenching plunge?  I’m scared.  I’m lonely.  I’m solitary, even with my wonderful cheering section.  You know who you are.  If you are “religious,” please pray that I make it to the end of the ride intact.  If you are “spiritual,” please send some good energy my way, or light a candle, rub a stone, whatever.  I need you and will for some time.

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Everybody take a powder; it’s too crowded in here

Stay in the present.  Don’t fast forward to the end goal.  Enjoy the moment.  Stop putting your first name with his last name.  Stop rearranging the furniture in his house in your mind and shoving his clothes over to see how much room you’d get.

YOU ARE NOT EVEN DIVORCED.  CHILL THE FUCK OUT.  ONCE YOU ADMIT YOU’RE IN LOVE, THE ROLLER COASTER HAS REACHED THE TOP, AND TRAJECTORY IS ALL GUT-WRENCHING DOWNWARD.

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It’s amazing I can appear “normal” and do “normal” work with all these thoughts in my head.  Time out.  Everybody take a powder; it’s too crowded in here.

Out of the fetal position and into life

Ok.  Time to get out of survivor mode and into what I want my life to look like.  I need:

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  • less TV and noise in general
  • more moving my body out of a fetal position
  • less drinking and self-medicating
  • more music
  • fewer bitter thoughts
  • less multi-tasking (eating and watching TV, taking my coffee cup into the bathroom (sorry for that image), TV and sleep, TV and reading)
  • more wiping my mind’s slate clean so new experiences can write their stories there
  • more laughing – out loud
  • more complimenting people I love – out loud
  • more appreciation of the natural world – outside

Looks like a lot of these things would right themselves to center with less TV.  It is not a substitute for a person or a family.  But that’s ok.  It’s just me right now (although, always including my cat, who got shut in a cabinet this morning and only meowed AFTER I found her).  She wasn’t so much trapped as playing a hiding game.  Way to get onboard Jazzy!