Shocker…to no one but him


A co-worker of mine, but mostly friend, came to my desk about 9:15 after I came in from a doctor’s appointment last Thursday, and said she heard my X “-” was asked to resign. He is a commissioner of a department in our state government.  He is only in year two or three of a six-year term.

She heard it at Zumba.

Why?  Did someone tell on him?  Do they finally know he’s been seeing one of his employees, living with her, in fact, and her three school-aged children?  Do they know they succumbed to their passion for each other on a departmental trip?  Is that it, or something else?

The Zumba mole said the rumors were that he and his girlfriend went on an unauthorized “business” trip together.  Apparently it’s scandalous over there.  The gf stopped working for him a month or two ago and got a position at a place where they met originally, about eight years ago.

There was a cryptic article in an obscure online news source that detailed how “-” and his lawyer came to see the governor, had a meeting, then the lawyer “whisked” “-” away.  Hmmm…very crime drama-ish.  Since I made such a point of not hearing about his life, I don’t know anything concrete about this, just the rumor.

Then my boss heard similar gossip at something he attended.

I finally emailed “-” and said I couldn’t sign a pending home equity loan modification because of the rumors that he had lost his job.  He wrote back that wile he wouldn’t “respond to rumors…” it was a fact that the governor accepted his resignation.

Well, that’s one way to spin it, I guess.



He had asked me to keep it quite when he told me about his girlfriend last March.  He said if people found out, he could lose his job.  If he lost his job, there would be no vestment of his retirement money (vesting was scheduled for 4/16, of which I would get at least half as a parting gift) and our family would lose his income.

Don’t you see how it was really ALL up to me?  No? Me neither.

Oh, and I’m also not supposed to tell our daughter that he’s lost his job until he can tell her in person over Thanksgiving break.  Again, my secret to keep or fuck up.  He knows she has friends with parents who know him and might ask her about it, right?

And all of this isn’t “tawdry.”  He is “just living his life.”

The silver lining:  He has finally agreed to reach out to my lawyer (who he refused to deal with all this time because he didn’t like him) with a divorce settlement proposal he drafted over the summer, but had not shared, because I was “not ready to receive it.”  Gag.  The untamed judgmentalist.

There are other juicy details, and near-emergency issues, but that’s the gist.

To “-“:

Te he, thinking with your dick lost you your family and your prestigious job.  But now, motherfucker, go get another job asap; you have responsibilities.

Moving on


Switcheroo…so busy “letting it go and moving on” I can’t find time to “write it down”

tumblr_lboaz48ydG1qbcgae[1]Well this is a switch.

Things I loved doing on my 6-day vacation:

  • spending time with my blossoming, intelligent, funny daughter
  • traveling to a “foreign” country for the first time (Canada)
  • spending downtime with my bf on his 3-week hunting vacation
  • having my bf tell me he has my back
  • having my daughter slip to “-” something about “Mom’s boyfriend” and having him say, “What?!”
  • having my bf help me put gutters up on my house because it needs to be done and because “-” has no say
  • not checking in with work at all


I HATE seeing my ex’s name come up on my phone.  ESPECIALLY at work when I’m trying hard to be productive.  (Unlike now, when I’m writing tomorrow’s blog at work.)  He’s given up on trying to be cordial to me by letting me know when he’s shifting money around, etc., but sometimes our daughter disseminates important news by texting both of us at the same time.

I get it.  I just don’t like it.

I changed his name on my phone at first to “Mr. Duplicity.”  A little shout out to Alanis Morissette.  It gave me some wicked pleasure, but it still wasn’t satisfyingly right, and it was disruptive in a different way.


I tried “Cheater.” “Asshole.”  The usual.  Does anyone else do this?

Got a text back from him to my daughter and me for the first time in over a month.

Yes, I affirmed,  “-” was the perfect symbol for him.  There’s no personality to it.  There’s no emotion associated with it.  I don’t “know” it.  In fact, it reminds me of the dash on gravestones between the person’s birth and death.  His name is on the gravestone and the dash there, like the spouse who was unlucky enough to die last.  I’m just waiting to chisel in that end date.


I would feel guilty about it, but  that’s not something I do much anymore.

Moving on

I miss you. Like you were mine.

Ok, sometimes I worry about my motherly instincts.  I can think some pretty harsh things about my kids, and yet, I know that’s just one extreme end of the pendulum because I love them that much in the opposite direction.


It has been 17 days (I dig countdowns) since I last saw my daughter when I dropped her off at college several hundred miles away.  At first it was all no lunch prep, no form filling out, no weekly football games where she played in the band and was drum major her senior year.  Ah…I didn’t even know the high school had their first football game last Saturday.  There were pints of gelato for dinner, movies right after work.  Girls night could have been any night, but usually wasn’t.

Now I miss her!!  She did a lot of dancing and singing and dinosaur imitating in the morning.  She told me lots of things and didn’t seem to stop like a lot of teenagers.  I know things about her I (almost) wish I didn’t.

People keep pitying me.  “How’s the empty nest?”  “Are you lonely?”  Inside my head I was like, “Fuck no!  Do you know how long I’ve waited to not have anyone to take care of?!”

Yesterday I got out the academic calendar — Fall Break in a month, Thanksgiving week, Christmas Break.  That quirky little fun factory better come back to me for those!

And my son is 24 today.  I miss him too!

Putting on my big girl, empty nest panties and moving on

My Graceful Survivor

She flew the coop, that last little chick of mine!  I took her to college and she was brave.  She was optimistic.  She was fierce.  God I love her.


She’s such a graceful survivor.  After the past few years of hardship of many stripes and colors, I wish her a new world, at the least, free of parental crap.  If she washes hard enough, it will all eventually come off, and she can start new with her own quasi-grown up life and happy, shiny people, not the wrecks her parents had become.

Come to think of it, I was brave, optimistic and fierce too!  I keep thinking she’s upstairs in her room, but I don’t break down when I realize she isn’t there.  I’ll see her at Thanksgiving.  She will be new in ways and so will I.

I like the sound of that!

Moving on


My friend’s dad passed away yesterday.  Now she has no parents and a son at home still to raise.  She’s usually one tough bitch, but when she allowed me to bring her son dinner last night, I knew her defenses were down.  I was glad she could accept this little gesture of “help.”  Her eyes were swollen and her nose was stuffed.  She had a very difficult relationship with her father, but now he’s gone.  That sucker punches even a toughened woman who searched for her dad’s love for over 50 years.


I have to do her work today, and my work to do today, and help get my daughter ready to go to college tomorrow, and remember who I am, too.

I’m trepedatious and yet aware that it’s a blessing to have these first world “problems.”  I have a job and a daughter going to college and a parent still here and a new life to forge.  Trepedatious and humbled.

Come here, world…let’s be friends.

Moving on

China Doll

What have the eyes of my china doll seen?
What does the smile on her painted face mean?


How many aunts has she charmed with her grace?
How many tea guests have saved her place?

Where is her dress that is lost to the past?
How many years will her new outfit last?

How many whispers are stored in her head?
What are the secrets she best leaves unsaid?

Will she give comfort to my daughter too?
What will the two of them think up to do?